Sela awoke in a familiar place. Yet it wasn’t the kind of remembrance you feel when you get home from a long trip and look around your house, feeling safe and cozy.
No, it was a horrible familiarity that always returned to her, just as she returned to the horrid room Kayo always left her in after she attempted an escape. Richly furnished, with a cheery fire crackling in the hearth, he knew how much she hated and scorned the room, which only served to remind her of the first day she had been in the fox’s Domain.
She pushed the covers of her bed away, walking to the very couch she had awoken upon all those years ago, and tracing her slender fingers along the wooden frame.
Reaching over, she touched the very pillow she had thrown at him, and yes, there too was the glass vase she had used as a weapon, the one that always seemed to repair itself overnight.
The fox loved coming into the room after another victorious recapture, to dole out her punishment. Most consequences she had been given were ones she struggled to forget, tortures so burned into her memory that she feared they might never disappear.
The tattoo on her wrist glimmered, reminding her of yet another time Rick had gotten to her. Even the thought of the horrid wolf sent a shiver down her spine, and the many pains and tortures he had inflicted on her in the past six years seemed to gather in the tattoo, daring her to forget… she glanced over at the hearth, eyes misting over.
So many things had happened to her since that day she had woken up, and barely a quarter of them were memories she wanted to remember. The rest stuck in her mind the way brambles do, wrapping around and clinging to every strand of substantial matter they can find.
A smile brightened her sober face as she thought of Drake. Her big brother, almost. The kind of guy you can depend on for pretty much anything. He’d been the one to take care of her after those horrible punishments. He’d been the one who’d stopped Rick from doing things so horribly drastic that she flinched just thinking about them. He’d been the one to help her learn the ancient language that she felt she’d never understand… And now, well, who knew where he was? Rick didn’t inflict as much pain on his second-in-command, nor did he hate him as much as he hated Sela. Why? Why did he hate her so much? She knew, and yet… and yet she didn’t.
Reasoning seemed to implode when it got within a certain distance of the wolf. It vanished, and its place hung an eerie laugh, a bloody smile, a sharpened claw… Her mind screeched to a halt as the door to her room opened and a red-pelted fox trotted in on all fours, speaking to her quickly in the ancient language, “Ochne seti olke Joysuhn inteu.”
Sela sighed. “Ontueye Joysuhn elkust omneto.”
“Right. I’m coming Dad!”
A little girl ran through the woods, in the direction she believed her parents must be. She hated being alone, especially in the wilderness, but it all seemed so tranquil…
“Sela! What joy it gives me to finally meet you. You’re what, six now?” the girl fought the urge to scream, turning in what she believed was the opposite direction of the voice, only to crash directly into someone.
“No cause for alarm, m’dear. You should know I won’t harm you.” She looked up, stunned at the appearance of the man before her.
He had very odd, blue… no green… no blue… she couldn’t quite describe his eyes, because every time she blinked, they changed again, and so she turned her attention to the fox ears poking out of his gold-and-white furred head.
“You… you can’t be real. You’re a fox, and fox- oh, what is it? Foxes? That just doesn’t sound right…” she kept trying to think of the correct plural of fox, even though, in truth, it was foxes.
“Foxi? No… Foxen? Wrong again!” the girl stamped her feet in frustration, her dirty blonde, shoulder-length hair falling into her blue eyes, the grey rims of her irises making for a quite an odd color.
“Oh dear, now I’m talking to a… a foxy-whiskered gentleman, a stranger! Oh, and he doesn’t even know my name!” she turned to leave, but the odd fox-man gripped her shoulder, turning her back around.
“Hush, Sela. I’m not here for any other reason but to meet you. I must go, your father is about to arrive.” He flashed her a final smile, and then walked out of sight. Just as he disappeared, her father crashed into the tiny clearing, gasping for breath.
“Oh…oh, w-where were y-you? We’ve been searching ev-everywhere!” the girl turned curious eyes at her father, frowning.
“Dad, did you see the ma- fo – ma – it doesn’t matter what he was! Did you see him?” her father gave her a strange look, and then, taking her hand, led her away, trying to get some sense out of her as they left.
“He was a what?”
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What do you think? Please review! I'm not very good at paragraphing, so if you see any part I missed, please point it out.
Thanks!
Sela
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
Hello!
As a reviewer, I ask those questions that immediately pop in my head 'cause that's what an author wants: first impressions from the reader. So no worries. ^_^
Comments of previous part's critique
Concerning your comment to my crit in the previous part: If you catch a reviewer with questions that will/can be answered later on in the story, then that's good. If I question the plot, but I would know later on what's happening, then you're doing your job as an author!
That should be ignored, then. ^^ I miss these things quite easily.
Now, onward with this part's crit!
Grammar and First Impressions
Underlined: This kinda dragged out what could simply have been put as safely home somewhere there. It just kinda dragged on when it could be shortened. [Oh! And feel free to use parts of my examples to help you out with rewrite/edit! ^^]
Sela woke up in a familiar place; however, she didn't feel like she returned from a long journey to a safe and cozy home.
Underlined: It kind of sounds like he was richly furnished, though in reality it was the room. He knew how much she hated the richly furnished room, a cheery fire always crackling in its hearth; the room would remind her of the first day she had been in the fox's Domain. [Assuming fox's is possessive, not plural. ^^]
I suggest taking those words out only because it needlessly lengthened that phrase. Maybe say where the glass vase was? The glass vase sitting on the table stand or.. something?
First, no comma because otherwise it can be read as this: The fox loved coming into the room, to dole out her punishment. No comma is needed, and the rest of the sentence that I left out doesn't need commas when inserted. It's just additional information to spice it up. ^^ So no comma.
Second, I question a dash in that spot because I was unsure of what to do with it. A comma might work too. I'm just throwing this out there as a possibility. It just seems like additional information that can be set aside with a coolio dash than a specialer comma.
I like how you said gather in the tattoo. I dunno why, but I do. Kudos. ^_^
Don't use the ellipses unless it's a necessary dramatic pause. I see you use them a lot, but we don't want to overload the reader with unnecessary pauses.
Underlined: Ancient language...that's just a tad cliche to me.
Watch the tags. Use a comma when using verbs such as said, yelled, etc.
Underlined: I really liked this part. Kudos!
Commas aren't really needed to split up the adjectives. Capitalize she because it starts a new sentence. No commas before because because it's not a Fanboy [For, and, nor, but, or, yet]. Fox's is possessive; foxes is plural. The additional hyphen is really optional.
The reader should know the plural for fox is foxes. Also, if that's why the plural/possessive forms for fox previously was incorrect, then you actually are in Sela's PoV, not narrating. You're telling the story from Sela's point of view, even though it's not first person. Any questions, just let me know 'cause I didn't explain very well, but this isn't just narrating [which I think is third-person omniscient?]. Even if this is a flashback/dream, let's not confuse the reader. [Look below for more]
If the eye color is caused by the girl's stamping, then this is fine. Otherwise, it reads as forced description of the girl's eyes, which doesn't flow well. ^^
Plot and Flow
So Sela and Drake were kidnapped [in a sense], correct? Taken away by the wolf- and fox-men. And Sela wakes up in a room and thinks about Rick, who she knew way before the present time. That's pretty much what's happening so far.
However, I found this part to be rather clunky. I didn't picture the scene very well. It's basically telling me all this information about Sela and Rick in the olden days. And there's no connection between the Sela/fox meeting and the memory/dream. We just suddenly jumped into this random memory, which is a good memory that shows how Sela and Rick first met -- can be important if fit in well with the rest.
This was how it was translated. Read it. I don't know what Sela and the fox are saying. All I know, as the reader, is that the fox enters Sela's room and they exchange words [greeting, maybe?], but then this memory pops up. Maybe their short two-line conversation triggered a memory for Sela? I have no idea what's happening. T_T
Also, the beginning part was confusing. We suddenly bring up this Kayo person, which is fine if we explain who Kayo is and how he's related to Sela. Then we suddenly switch from Kayo to the fox.
So it must be safe to assume Kayo is the fox?
POV
I mentioned this earlier. A couple times in the narration, how you use fox [whether it's possessive or plural] has been questionable. Then the memory came up, and I was all confused. You may have done that on purpose in the memory, but then you're not just narrating [as you've told me in the previous part's comment on my crit]. It would be something like third-person omniscient -- You tell the story as if you know everything. The memory wasn't written like that, though.
I tried correcting these above, but see what I mean? Maybe you mean foxes' for the first one -- it's a plural and possessive? And the second one should probably be fox's, seeing as the ears belong to the fox [hopefully].
And... why is the girl thinking of the plural form of fox when there's only one in front of her? That was a bit random even for a six-year-old, though it was cute. I remember asking my mom what the plural for fox was.
Tags
I've seen this a few times in your writing.
Notice the underlined parts. I fixed these up above, but to make things clear, here's what I'm thinking rule-wise: The sentence after the quote is a full sentence, so it gets the capital letter at the beginning. Concerning the first quote here, I'll write how it would look if you wanted a comma:
The door opened, forcing her mind back to reality, and a red-pelted fox trotted in on all fours, saying in the ancient language, "Ochne seti olke Joysuhn inteu."
Notice I said the fox was currently saying this quote as he was walking into the room. The quote should be in this one sentence then because of what I just said: This is what the fox is currently saying. In yours, you have no said, saying, etc. to show that the fox said that quote at that exact moment. Therefore, no comma to lead into the quote. They would be separate sentences in your case.
Characters
I just want to be sure this is what you meant because that's what I'm getting. Rick is all Sela is thinking about, but Joyan is the fox who's walking in and out of her room? 'Cause Rick is a wolf, according to the previous part. So the fox must be Joyan or some other fox I don't know yet. Can't by Kayo 'cause he was a memory she was thinking about.
And the relationship between Little Sela and the Fox-man. A real, sane little girl would run away screaming, even if the Fox-man did say he wasn't going to hurt them. If they were that gullible, there are some parenting issues. T_T Stranger danger, remember?
Overall
I shall go forth to the rest soon. PM me with any questions!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Excuse me? .... thank you!
Blatantly? no asses are going anywhere unless I say so, 'stood?
Besides, it's not my room, 'tis our room, yours, mine, and that other annoying sister I have... what's her name? Oh, yeah.
Gosh, she is pretty forgettable. Kinda like Spirit of the Eagle.
Besides AGAIN, Call of Duty is blaring, and hearing you through the sounds of dying men and gunshots is actually quite difficult... -tweaks pierced ear-
Oooh! That hurt. Ah well, I guess I'll have to fully edit the first part on the morrow.
-SELLLLAAA
So you lied to me. You blatantly lied.
This was much better. PM me your password so I can go on and just fix the paragraph spacing and a few grammatical errors. I like the story and so OF COURSE I will not change anything that isn't purely technical.
The part in the room could be slightly longer. A little more description, a few more thoughts. You definitely tend to rush. The memory was good...Although it might want to be slightly longer too.
I think you definitely hit the much-needed nail on the head that consisted of a change of pace. Just like that funny band. Good band. Anyway, I will edit the technicalities and you can lengthen. Teamwork, I tell you. Teamwork.
But it's actually time for bed, so get your ass to your room you little freak.
Okay, first off, thanks for critiquing. However, this first post didn't make as much sense as I think you wanted it to, and I also think that you may have misunderstood the explanation of Sela's awakening.
I think you also may have missed the point here. It's supposed to be mysterious. Do you mean repetitive?
Once again, it will be explained as to why she knows her mind was erased. It's another language, not gibberish. But yes, thanks for pointing out the 'all-fours' thing, I'll fix that. ^^
He doesn't know. I'm explaining it. I write a certain way, which is why it's... written like that. And I think you repeated yourself there, which is quite confusing. Oh, but I will think about fixing the locked door part.
As for the 'but', I will consider fixing that. Moving on... Yes, I know glass and diamonds aren't the same, but that's not the point. It's compared to diamond because it's supposed to explaining that it's nearly indestructible. 'Scurrying' may give you the idea of spiders/insects, but scurrying to most people just means running quickly to get places, maybe in a sort of scatter-brained way, as the person is distracted or some such thing. And the so-called 'clique' tear is simply used to make it obvious he's reminiscing, because I will be fixing his family's massacre slightly different. And I don't really see a single tear as being badly clique.
Yes, that's a good idea. Chern was telling me the same thing. I wrote this about a year ago, which is why I'm fixing it now. It's supposed to be precise, not only because it was quite a crucial part of Drake's life, but also because Rick wanted him to remember everything quite clearly.
It shows that he knows Sela in the first part of this chapter, but I suppose you didn't read it. I don't know why I have to make this so clear: There's hardly any gibberish, and it will be explained throughout the story. And it's obvious what the two animals are saying when you get to the next chapter. Yes, I will fix up the description, although I don't see it as a very big problem quite honestly.
Anyways, anyone who may be reading this reply is probably wondering why I quoted everything you said, but the reason I did so was to explain everything as clearly as I could, because it seems you missed quite a lot of the story, as well as reading the second part first, which doesn't help, either.
Thanks for the criticism. May I suggest, though, that next time you critique, you read the story clearly, and try to read the beginning first. It saves a lot of explaining from the author to you.
Thanks again,
-Sela
Okay, a lot has to be done to this, I mean a lot.
Whoa! Overload on 'familar' You sure wanna drive the point home that she's not where she should be. 'Toto i don't we're in Kansas anymore.' Rather simple, but tell us right away, they're somewhere different. There is joy in simplicity.
Other... than 'huh' I can't see point of all this telling, you just confuse people and would it be better to show this. Least make it understandable to the readers. Like where is Kayo, why is it important? What is a Conuae? If you're gonna have awkward things like this, show them, or at least write a prologue or something explaining all the intrincities. One other thing you have the habit of beginning sentences with a personal pronoun, get's tiring after a bit and repeative.
Okay, I'm not much an expert when a mind been erased, but how can ya remember your mind been erased? Tricky question? Yeh... Again most of this is telling which could very easily be shown. And, what the heck, are they saying? Seriously, it looks like a bunch of jibberish... :/. Is the fox walking on all fours or stood up like a man? Details! Details! Details!
Question: How can he even know what state Sela in, how should he even know? You tell us they both hate it, but no reason why... Yeh... Oh and you say he's in same state as Sela, which makes no sense. Since it's a different character, but anyway point is you don't need to tell us the door locked...
It's not a good idea to start a sentence with 'but' really it's not that grammatical. Glass and diamonds aren't the same. You could give us part of what's he's hearing. 'Scurrying' gives idea of Insects or Spiders, not people. Try a different verb. Last thing, 'single tear' what's so sad about single tear? Why not a monsoon of tears? Really! It's cliche, badly.
Why you put names and ages. Plus you could have this much better written as a flashback. You could tell it less that way. Now it's just a huge block telling stuff that could easily be shown in a flashback. You know this would have more emotional impact if done much later when we knew him more. You seem to be a fan of beginning sentences with such odd words. How can he remember the type of car exactly? That seems bit precise for a memory.
Okay, so was his mind erased to, then how can he remember? This makes no sense! How does he know about Sela? Oh and more gibberish.
Overall: I don't like it much, you tell far too much. There are large inconstincies. The gibbirish langauge which we can't make head or tail of. And then the 'not so erased memories' You didn't really hit me with the flashback. It was all tell, no emotional. Just rewrite this and read some of YWS writing articles. Lastly we never get an idea of the two main character appearance. How old are they? That is all.
Good luck
VSN
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Listening to: Propagandhi - Resisting Tyrannical Government
via FoxyTunes
"Good, good."
"No, Bob, thats bad. Dash - got - sent - to - the - office."
Well, I liked it. This is not the part that I had specific criticisms for. Although I would suggest not bringing up the brutal murder of Drakes family until we know him a little better. It would be much more affecting if we truly care about Drake. Lengthen the part with Sela, slip away from her POV and talk about her past from the POV of the narrator. Talk about the family she doesn't remember, and how Kayo comes into the picture. Do the same with Drake, only talk about stuff before his family is murdered, and then let him push away the awful memory of their murder until later...leave it a mystery.
And so I like it, and I look forward to an edited version where my suggestions are implemented flawlessly. Good luck, fox. Good luck.
"Craigslist, never again!"
"Okay, I just got back from the doctor and he told me that I have a disease that makes me think everyone is Forrest Whitaker. *looks at two different guys who could not possibly be FW* That means...you're not the real Forrest Whitaker."